*A quick note on language: through the duration of this post, I will be using the word “parent(s)” as a stand-in for any person who operates in a caregiving role for an adolescent. I fully recognize and honor the fact that some people who fill the parenting role for a child are actually grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc., and do not wish to minimize that fact.

Let’s not mince words: parenting teenagers is hard. While every child is different, the challenges that come with navigating the teen years are pretty consistently tough. However, where there are intense challenges, there is also the chance for incredible connection. With a little intention and a lot of love, you can absolutely thrive through the tough times with your relationship intact.

Today’s topic is meant to help parents have a better understanding of some of the whys behind their adolescents’ behaviors, with the hope that such an understanding will increase the parents’ capacity to make it through those tough moments just a little more easily - because when we are able to understand why something occurs, we can often find space within our own busy inner lives to take that all-important breath and decide how we will respond, rather than reacting out of frustration and anger.

First, let’s take a look at the teenage brain. Right behind your forehead is the part of the brain called the frontal lobe, and the very foremost part of that lobe is called the prefrontal cortex (PFC). The PFC is responsible for things like impulse control and forward thinking - and it is not considered fully developed until somewhere around age 25. There has historically been an understanding that the deficits in development of the PFC were to blame for the increase of risk-taking behaviors often associated with adolescence. However, a 2017 study (1) has provided some important insight about how the combination of brain development, social environment, and socioeconomic status all work together to impact a teen’s risky or maladaptive behaviors.

Alongside the above mentioned factors, we should next consider your teen’s psychosocial developmental phase. While there are many theories of development that can help us understand how people grow across their lifespan, we will focus today on Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development (2). Stage 5 of the 8 stages addresses the adolescent phase (ages 12-18), where the psychosocial focus is “Identity vs Confusion”. The primary task of this stage is to answer the questions, “Who am I?” “Where do I fit in this world?” “What do I want to do with my life?” and “What is happening in my body/brain/emotions?”

With so many things at work in the brains, bodies, social, and emotional lives of teens, it isn’t any wonder that sometimes they make choices that are baffling to their parents. So, when your own stress and concerns start to overwhelm, and your child’s behaviors are more baffling than ever as they seem to be perfectly tailored to add to your stress and make your life harder, try to give yourself the space to remember that their perspective is very different from your own. They may be under high levels of stress and pressure from their friends, or feeling particularly weighed down by the expectations of their unknown futures, or experiencing some other intense stress that they are not communicating with you yet. When you ask them about what’s happening in their world, you will have the most success by doing so at a calm moment, when your own emotions are regulated, and you can ask from a place of nonjudgement. Let me be clear: this doesn’t mean that bad choices and behaviors should go without consequences - in fact, consistency and structure are absolutely crucial at this stage, especially for application of boundaries and consequences - and while this structure is being upheld, meaningful connection with your teen is still possible through dispassionate, non-judgemental conversations about the challenges and joys of navigating life in this world.

Don’t be afraid to take that deep breath and remember just how young your child really is. Even at 17 or 18, there is so much that they have yet to learn and experience, and their lives are still developing. Things will not always be this hard, they will grow and change, and (with your loving help) they can thrive. There is also grace for you when things are especially tough and you do inevitably lose your cool. No parent is perfect, and no kid expects perfection from their parents; but when you can choose to connect rather than explode, it serves the double purpose of modeling healthy conflict resolution skills and fostering connection through disappointments.

You’ve got this.

For more parenting resources, see our recommendations at Resources — Counseling Nook for Trauma & Dissociation (counselingntd.com).